At dawn she sprang out of her bed in an anxious spontaneity. The paranoia of getting late at work… and just then, she could feel some distant melancholic chord strung from somewhere. It filled her already poignant heart. It was like a heavy chunk of mud falling from above that doubled her weight -unable to carry her load off the bed. And then within fractions, the remnants of a morbid pain, a bitter taste of failure, and a strong sense of defeat encircled her. With her eyes motionless and a heavy heart – she brawled sluggishly, ready to face the chaotic world at bay. What she couldn’t escape ‘again’ was ‘him’.
Like every single day, he creeps in at jet speed, even before she could accumulate what she was dreaming about. With palpitating heart, she welcomed him to her morbid world of nostalgia. The day progressed with countless faces and queries, lots of activities, actions, and all other nuances which she responded to like a smart answering machine – automated and designated. And there again, between such exhausting sketches, he jostled in every now and then. His face blossomed every other face that talked to her. His last words echoed through her ears once again for the millionth time… the words unfinished… from which she still hunts to unearth some hidden meaning, something she might have missed and that could change her fate. But she never got those words right any day!
This is her habitual imaginary journey to him and back. And when it gets unbearable, she starts to talk. She talks aloud to him, argues, make faces, smiles, giggles, rants and does all that she yearns to say to him. And also all that she could never say to him.
In the afternoon, as she binges on the zesty burger, staring at the sky through the window pane, she savors the secret tête-à-tête with him – as if he’s hidden somewhere right there!
At dusk, after a hectic day at work, a sudden honk of a restless car distracts her to the real world for a while, as she tries to drive carefully, until a long lost love song distracts her again – it whips into her heart like a fireball till she sighs hard and finally forces it out of her mind with limpid strength.
Late in the evening, battling through the kitchen, amidst innumerable phone calls and other mechanical chores – which she pretends to do in a mindless spurt as if he were watching her do them – she restlessly waits for the night to descend.
The ceasing chaos of the world , the smell of smog and silence all round, the dark night, the stars, the moon and everything dark and dead carried her back to him. He never came, he never will. As she feebly waits for sleep to shed its mercy on her tattered soul, but his memories swallow her existence and this time with heavier strokes.
Questions he had never answered, reasons he had never explained, pathways she could never travel with him – through imagined scenes of passion, humour and strokes, through hysterical laughter, insurmountable grief and every elusive moment in her life where she missed him miserably so, million times a day – flashed in front of her bamboozled eyes. She thought and thought to re-live them all, to make him rigidly present in his stark absence with a feeble hope that will remain bashfully invincible in her memories forever!