From Expectation To Disappointment

“Waking up to who you are requires letting go of who you imagine yourself to be.” ~Alan Watts

At 6 am she lays in bed, awake, thinking. Well, thinking is too generous a word for what she’s up to. She is in fact perseverating! She has to buy a new cellphone and she could not decide which one. She tries to visualize the cellphone and imagines how it would feel and look like in her hand. She couldn’t decide on the color as there are three colors to it.

What to expect and what not to!

What to expect and what not to!

She’d already gone online numerous times to look at the phone, read reviews and commentaries, even interrupting her important work during the day. She’d also gone to the mobile phone shops couple of times more to check it out herself. She’d asks countless people whether she should get it, and gets all their pearls of wisdom on the phone – some unexpectedly good and others shockingly bad! She was utterly confused!

She is embarrassed about this. She should be more productive. She should be more confident! But there she is, wasting time, asking other people to help her in choosing what she could do best. This is not who she wants to be.

But, this is who she is, literally. Much as she’d like to deny it, she is indecisive and insecure.

That would be hard for her to admit though, so she tries to avoid facing it.

She blames others: Maybe it’s her parents’ fault — they have made so many decisions for her that she never really learned to have confidence in her own choices. Or maybe it is the fault with today’s cellphone vendors – they come up with so many features and colors, making the whole task of choosing so complex! After all, research has proved that the more alternatives one has, the harder it is to choose.

She thinks, thinks and thinks… A week later, she’s back to square one, still not decided what phone to buy.

Then one night as she lays awake feeling the shame of her ineptness, she thinks her expectations of everyone, including herself, is becoming counter-productively high.

She had read, high expectations can undoubtedly have a positive effect, but up to a point. It becomes just the opposite when taken too far. She feels she slips so easily into criticisms of herself and those around her that she gets back nothing but pain and remorse in return.

She wants to change. There’s something she thinks can make her a better person. She should have the much needed quality that most others lack – Compassion. She realizes this can reduce the suffering that accompanies weakness.

Eventually, she buys a cellphone. She is happy with the model – its features and the color suit her just right. Then, the next day, she wakes up at six in the morning; again, second-guessing her decision, thinking she should have bought a different phone. She berates herself momentarily and remembers: This is who she is. She is not perfect. She hates to be even closer to it. But that’s the best she can do. She thinks again, finds no answer to her debacle and leaves it at that!

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